NEVER CRY RUDOLPH!

Merry ChristMaS and a happy new year to one and all, especially Charles Martin Smith!

Special thanks to my boyfriend Martin Magee for the Photoshop magic!

HAPPY 60th BIRTHDAY, CMS (and Happy Halloween too)!

Gosh, Charles Martin Smith is 60 years of age today. Happy birthday, you sexy silver daddy! It's crazy to think that for over 40 years of his life, CMS has been working in film and television practically non-stop. But where some people would be slowing down and taking it easy at this point in their lives,  Mr. Smith is still going strong and keeping busy. As usual (nowadays) it's entirely behind the camera. That's too bad, because it's getting harder to find recent pics of him to admire and enjoy. This one from a few years back will have to do for now. Lookin' good there, Charlie! As far as I am concerned, Charles Martin Smith is STILL the Sexiest Man Alive.

The biggest news in CMS's future: he's directing a sequel to his hit 2011 film "Dolphin Tale 3D" which is set for release to theatres in 2014. It looks like pretty much the entire cast from the original will be returning for this 2nd go-around (yes, that includes Winter the dolphin too). I haven't heard anything about whether he'll be filming this one in 3D as well. I'm kind of hoping he is, since I thought Smith-as-director used the 3D effects in fun and creative ways in "Dolphin Tale" (and made paying those few extra bucks worth it).

Once again, it's the time of year to celebrate both Halloween and Charlie's birthday with my usual ritual of watching a double-feature of CMS-related horror movies or TV episodes. Of course I always start with Charlie's awesome directorial debut from 1986, "Trick or Treat"... which this time around strikes me as strangely similar to "Carrie" (1976/2002/2013). The main characters are both high school misfits who get mercilessly and cruelly picked on by the cool kids. Both are humiliated while naked in gym class at the start of the movie. Both story lines feature a popular girl who is sympathetic and tries to help. Both protagonists have use of special powers which they use to get revenge on their bullies. The movies even end with a high school dance that gets all fucked-to-shit as students and teachers die left-and-right. Gosh, I wonder if CMS directed an intentional homage or if it's purely coincidental? I'll have to look into that...

The 2nd feature is an episode from the 1980s revival of "The Twilight Zone" TV series. Broadcast in December 1985, "The Beacon" is about a doctor (CMS) who finds himself stranded in an isolated and creepy little coastal town, where the residents are terrified of the ominous lighthouse nearby and it's unnaturally bright beacon light. Here, Charlie is fresh off his amazing back-to-back double-whammy of "Never Cry Wolf" (1983) and "Starman" (1984), a career highpoint where he was especially hot and sexy, and this appearance does not disappoint in that regard. Oh, Charles....

Meanwhile, I need to get my ass moving on writing another movie entry, so I can present you with some penetrating examinations of my favorite Smith film (you know which one by now). Hopefully, your patience will be rewarded soon, dear readers. Stay tuned...

30th ANNIVERSARY of "NEVER CRY WOLF" TODAY!

30 years ago today (October 7th, 1983), Walt Disney Studios released the film "Never Cry Wolf" to US theaters. In celebration of this anniversary, I'm posting this clip (a collection of scenes from the film):

BEAUTIFUL BEARDED BIOLOGIST: a trio of promo pics from "Never Cry Wolf" (1983)

Gosh. It's really frustrating that I have finally reached the point in the Charles Martin Smith filmography where I get to examine my all-time favorite movie (as well as the reasons this blog exists in the first place), yet there is so little spare time in my life right now to devote to those examinations. Grrr!!

Fortunately, I do have enough time to present this group of photos from a promotional shoot done on location sometime during the production of "Never Cry Wolf" (around 1980 or 1981). They're really beautiful shots, and I think Charles Martin Smith looks especially handsome in them. You can see him displaying  one of my favorite CMS "looks": wearing a super cute pair of wire frame glasses and sporting that thick and manly beard I have spent so many years admiring. Wardrobe-wise, there's the suspenders and thermal undershirt adding an extra bit of rugged sexiness as well. Factor in the "nerdy scientist" thing CMS is so good at... and we end up with what I would say is an absolutely perfect specimen of manhood. Swoon! 

I know a lot of my fellow bears would look at CMS in these shots and say: "That is not a bear! More like an otter, maybe..." But to me, when I think "bear", this is the visual that pops into my mind. And here he is, hella hot and hairy! "That Darn Bear!" indeed...

Yes, Charles Martin Smith is the Sexiest Man Alive.

A few final words about "Herbie Goes Bananas" (1980)

Wow, I got really carried away on that last entry! Charles Martin Smith in the 1980 film "Herbie Goes Bananas" is just too freakin' cute!  We saw his character Davy Johns AKA DJ in Puerto Vallarta wearing some super sexy tropical attire, and later with his buddy Pete (Stephen W Burns) on a cruise ship to South America as they shared situations both seriously silly and sexually steamy. And in the process of reviewing his scenes in the film, I've covered a mere 35 minutes spread out over two whole entries, making this the most extensively written-about CMS film on this blog. That's kind of absurd when you think about the fact that this really is a lesser Smith movie compared to his other more impressive efforts. But he'd also reached a point in his career where his handsomeness had matured so beautifully and richly that I just had to spend more time examining and showing why I feel that Charles Martin Smith is the Sexiest Man Alive.

There's actually not a whole lot of CMS in the remaining hour of "Herbie Goes Bananas" since the plot switches to focusing on the relationship between the "living" VW Beetle Herbie and the Mexican pickpocket child Paco, while all the other characters and their subplots retreat into the background. There's another automotive rampage in the cargo hold when Herbie frees captive Paco from a cage, and Captain Blythe (Harvey Korman) actually ends up having the little car executed by walking the plank! Well, actually the crew roll him upside-down onto a plank and dump the whole thing into the ocean. With a sad honk of the horn, Herbie sinks below the waves to presumably rest in a watery grave. Afterwards, our mortified main characters all disembark at the next port stop in Panama: insatiatable nympho Aunt Louise (Cloris Leachman), her frigid grad student niece Melissa (Elyssa Davalos), and our adorable pair of racecar owners Pete (Burns) and DJ (Smith).

When DJ and Pete run into Louise as they unboard, Pete attempts to confess his lack of feelings for Melissa: "Not everybody is made for each other. I really like her, and I don't want her to get hurt. I planned to tell her, but maybe you could sort of smooth things over." At this point Melissa walks by and overhears. Hurt and rejected, she coldly shoves by Pete as her Aunt apologizes and follows behind. While Pete frowns guiltily, his ever-faithful companion DJ gives him a reassuring squeeze on the arm. "Come on, pal," DJ tells him soothingly, and the two of them pick up their suitcases and move along. I pointed out the last 2 entries how I feel about the relationship these two guys have. Supposedly just good friends, I see repeated indications that there is something more to their relationship. There's a certain chemistry the two share that seems rather gay to me. 

"How do you say in Panamanian, 'I need a job'?" DJ asks Pete as they walk by 2 of the villains of the movie (Howard Vernon and Alex Rocco). These evil men are after a microfilm that shows where an ancient Incan city can be found in the jungles of South America, and they've followed our protagonists from Puerta Vallarta in an effort to reclaim it from Paco the Pickpocket. As the little brat in question is ejected from the ship, the bad guys try to grab him. But the kid is too swift for them, and he runs off into the streets.

Now we endure the main relation of the film as Herbie proves to be more resilient than expected, floating up the Panama Canal and drifting up to Paco, who's found sitting sad and lonely on a fishing pier. The VW's once pure white shell now rusted a dirty brown, this altered Herbie and his pal Paco hit the road together while a dopey little ditty called "A Friend" plays on the soundtrack. Soon, Paco is slapping some cheap red paint on Herbie, having come up with the idea of running a cab service to make money instead of stealing it. Before the car and kid can embark on this business venture, they are discovered by the pair of villains. The microfilm is actually tucked away inside DJ's wallet, and Paco promises to recover it. If he doesn't, the bad guys will take a blowtorch to Herbie! Yikes!

When we rejoin that lovable duo DJ and Pete, we find that they are still inseparable, working together waiting tables at a Panamanian cafe. As DJ laments the loss of their race car Herbie and the fame and groupies that would have come along with their almost-certain win at the Brazilian Grand Primeo, Pete grumpily reminds him that it's all the fault of that little shit Paco for ruining everything. Right on cue, Paco shows up and gives the guys a tearful apology, throwing himself at Pete and wrapping himself around Pete's waist.

When Paco walks off to use the bathroom, Pete quickly discovers that they are once again the victim of the devious little pickpocket. I'm a little confused here, since I thought it was DJ's wallet that would have had to be stolen to recover the secret microfilm, but whatever. I guess that means the two guys share a wallet, which just adds to the evidence I'm gathering to prove the true nature of their relationship. As the pair bust down the bathroom door to catch the brat and reclaim their pilfered item, they rush to the window just in time to witness Paco hopping into their presumed-dead car Herbie. They shout in surprise as the rusted-out VW tears off down the street.

Coincidentally, both Aunt Louise and Captain Blythe end up in Herbie's backseat, foolishly believing the little car really is a taxicab. Hot on their tail are the angry villains, eager to recover the film. As Melissa (studying an elaborate Panamanian stone arch by the roadside) watches in horror, her aunt and the captain rush by, leaning out the windows screaming for help as Herbie zooms away. Pete and DJ help her commandeer a barely-drivable bus to follow in pursuit. There's a string of adventures and mishaps as the characters all rush further south into the continent, with the main setpiece of the film being a bullfight with Herbie serving as the matador. Oh brother....

Through all the danger and difficulty, DJ and Pete never leave each other's side. Clearly devoted to each other, this inseparable pair show a dedication to each other that is so admirable and adorable. In contrast, there is never any time that Pete says he has any genuine feelings for Melissa, only apologizing repeatedly for misleading her. Yes, of course he has no feelings for Melissa. His heart already belongs to his cute and cuddly pal DJ!

The plot careens from one absurd and silly misadventure to another, and nothing worth noting really transpires. With all the characters fighting for attention, DJ often ends up shoved aside by the narrative. So excuse me if I don't really give a shit what happens for most of the rest of the movie. You know what's going to happen, anyways: the bad guys will be punished and the good guys will get their happy ending. Yawn...

We do get one final scene of CMS looking cute again, as he recycles his orange mechanic's jumpsuit from the costume party aboard the ocean liner earlier in the film. It's a really sexy look for him, and he's clearly not wearing an undershirt so we get to see some nice exposed chest flesh. I'd like to imagine he's not wearing any undergarments at all beneath the orange suit, actually. It seems very possible. I can just imagine running into this cutie here in San Francisco at one of our kink street fairs (such as Folsom). He totally looks like he belongs, ready to unzip the front and expose his sexiness for all the world to see... Mmm-hmm, very nice!

So, yeah. In all honesty, I am not a big fan of this movie. I was never a big Love Bug fan to begin with, and this weak entry in the series is not an easy film to love. There are a few moments to enjoy here and there, though. Aunt Louise's nymphomaniacal behavior is sometimes entertaining to behold, with Cloris Leachman playing an interesting mix of amusing and disturbing that actually got a few giggles out of me. And some of the exotic locales make for nice background scenery, I suppose. Yet here I am finishing up a 3rd entry about the movie. 3 whole entires? Really? It just doesn't seem right to devote so much space on this blog to what is really a rather marginal film.

But then again, there is too much sexy CMS on display here for me to ignore. Over the course of these blog entries, I have watched Charles grow as an actor and as a handsomely maturing man. Here in this particular film, I really believe his appearance was his sexiest yet up to this point, displaying equal amounts of adorably goofy charm and undeniably arousing attributes. Yes, I'm talking about those amazing legs and that scorchingly hot butt of his. Usually I like to see Charles in glasses too, since I have such a weakness for him when he's wearing them and doing that sexy nerd thing he does so well. But here I have to say he was really damn attractive even without them, and I ended up highly worked up by what I had seen of him here in this film.

But guess what? It gets even better. The next film I have to talk about here is the one that started this whole obsession with Charles Martin Smith in the first place. One where he gives (in my opinion) the best performance of his career, and where he displays his sexiness at it's most extreme and intense. Yes, dear readers: I have finally reached the point where I get to review my favorite film of all time. Join me next time for a peek at CMS's masterpiece, "Never Cry Wolf" (1983) and share the film's many pleasures with me. I'm so excited!

THE LOVE BOAT: erotic moments from "Herbie Goes Bananas" (1980)

A few words before I jump into this entry: Once again I am confronted with a real struggle as to how I should articulate my feelings for CMS. How far do I go in expressing my interest in this particular actor? Or to be more specific: how far is too far? Does making the entries more explicitly sexual result in material that ultimately disrespects Mr. Smith? Determining this has slowed down my output on this blog more than any other factor. But I also have an overwhelming eagerness to express my strongly held opinion: Charles Martin Smith is the Sexiest Man Alive. My passions have been aroused and I am ready to dive in, hopefully with readers understanding that my intentions concerning Mr. Smith are ultimately good and that my desires are sincere. You've waited long enough for a new entry (two whole months!), so let's get on with it!

Last entry, we took a look at the hella-hot appearance made by Charles Martin Smith in the 4th film in Disney's Love Bug franchise, "Herbie Goes Bananas" (1980). I only managed to get through the first 15 minutes of the movie, thanks to the super-sexy shorts CMS was sporting (leaving me extra excited by the sight of his beautifully displayed butt and legs). Although we don't get to see my favorite actor in such a revealing outfit in the rest of the movie, we still get many moments of sexual suggestiveness and horny hotness to examine in this entry. Once again, there's so much material to examine that I'll be devoting another whole entry to a relatively small chunk of the film. Let's rejoin our characters as they travel aboard the cruise ship Sun Princess, bound for Panama...

It's dinnertime onboard, and the ship's Captain Blythe (Harvey Korman, acting like he's escaped from a Mel Brooks movie) entertains and horrifies the guests at his table with outrageously provocative tales of piracy on the high seas. "Well, the booty was taken aboard the man-of-war and the enemy vessel scuttled," he begins with a gruff and dramatic voice. "Each captive seaman was given 100 lashes with the cat, spread eagled on the rigging." At a nearby table, insatiable nymphomaniac Louise Trends (Cloris Leachman) sits with her mousy niece Melissa (Elyssa Davalos), eavesdropping on the captain's salacious stories. "They were met with stiff resistance as they clambered aboard," the captain continues. "It was parry and thrust, thrust and parry!" he shouts out, grabbing a sword-like carving knife and plunging it deep into the candle on the table in front of him, one phallic symbol violating the other. Meanwhile, Melissa asks her aunt what she's having for dinner as they peruse the menu. "I think I'll have that captain on a bed of roses," she says playfully as she eyes him across the dining room. Melissa just shakes her head. "Aunt Louise, you're incorrigible," she mutters. "I know! I've never regretted a moment of it," Louise sighs, as she proudly ponders the plethora of penises that have previously penetrated and pounded her pussy. 

Into this depraved dining room step our heroes, Pete Stanciczek (Stephen W. Burns) and Davy Johns AKA DJ (CMS). As we saw last entry, they are the new owners of the famous VW Beetle, Herbie. They're now on their way to Brazil to enter the Grand Primeo race, their newly acquired race car stashed away in the cargo hold. They are placed at the table with Aunt Louise and Melissa and introduce themselves to the ladies before sitting, Louise excited by their handsomeness as her niece cringes with embarrassment.

As I pointed out in the previous entry, I have a theory that these two guys are more than just platonic friends. I pick up hints of something more sexual between them. Just look at that admiring way in which DJ gazes fondly at Pete as they're making their introductions. I think there's some love there in his eyes, I really do. And there's more of that coming up ahead too.

Their low-key gayness stands in sharp contrast to Louise's lasciviousness, as she barely restrains her drooling when she shakes their hands. Melissa almost overcompensates for her aunt's brazenness by retreating into nerdy asexuality. There's a moment of awkwardness as it sinks in for DJ and Pete that their dinner with these two could become real uncomfortable real fast. But they're gentleman, and they barely lose their polite smiles and keep it friendly as they take their seats. When Louise asks them if they're going to Rio, she explains it's a city of romance. "You really, to get the most out of it, have to share it with someone," she says flirtatiously as Pete squirms uncomfortably in his seat, unsure if he should tell her he already has a cute guy to romantically share Rio with.

Melissa explains that she's going to South America to study for her doctorate in Latin American Cultures, but her aunt hushes her, irritated that she would spoil the mood with such dry discussion, and she brings the conversation back to the men by asking them why they are traveling south of the equator. Pete informs then that he and DJ are entering a car in the Brazil Grand Primeo. "Pete here handles the wheel, the rest is my lookout," his partner adds. Hmmm... what exactly does "the rest" entail? How many of Pete's needs does DJ attend to? Since he is a mechanic, after all, I am sure that means he is quite good with his hands. Lucky, lucky Pete...

"Oh! Oh! I just love race cars!" Aunt Louise exclaims excitedly. "Don't you, Melissa?" Her niece looks over with an irritated look. "Not really," she answers coldly. Gosh, it's getting more awkward at the table, as Pete and DJ look over at each other nervously. What have they gotten themselves into? Louise seems to calm down at this point. "Hungry?" she asks the men, and this time I think she is taking a break from double entendres and really just referring to the consumption of food.

Chaos breaks out in the cargo hold as that adorable automotive Herbie "comes to life" and drives around smashing into stuff and making a huge mess. When he's finally caught in a big net, the stowaway hiding inside is discovered: prepubescent pint-sized Puerto Vallartan pickpocket Paco (Joaquin Garay III). So the little volkswagen is secured in place while the child is locked up in a cage (yikes!)... and then there's the matter of all the damage done.

Despite not being behind the wheel of the car at the time, Pete (as owner of the troublesome little car) is held fully responsible for paying for it, as the captain barely conceals his rage as he struggles to  suppresses his sadistic tendencies, firmly fingering a leather whip in his hands, holding it almost phallically at one point. Maybe it's just my dirty mindset, but all the dialogue here seems rife with double entendres. "Now... how did you want to... handle that?" the captain growls out, seeming to refer to the phallically brandished whip (or even the cap's own fleshy phallus) as much as to the restitution for damage incurred below. 

"You mean pay for it?" DJ responds incredulously. He just as easily could be talking about covering the costs of Herbie's rampage, or maybe replying that he has never had to pay money to handle anyone's phallus. DJ's certainly cute enough to never need to seek sex that costs money. And besides, he's got his cuddle buddy, Pete! 

Captain Blythe continues to careen back and forth between moods like a bipolar kook who's gone off his meds, switching from polite and proper to sinister and screaming. "I'm your captain, judge and jury! I'll decide what's your responsibility!" he barks out at one point, punctuating his momentary madness with a sharp crack of the whip. Jeez! Of course, Pete and DJ recoil in horror at the outbursts of this deranged person in front of them. Poor guys... they don't deserve this brutal treatment!

After more stern lecturing and accusations of importing illegal aliens (thanks to their bratty little stowaway), a judgement is made: Herbie is to be impounded until their financial obligations are met. Aw, crap! There's no way the guys will be able to afford that! Their plans of racing their troublesome VW are all going to hell... Damn. At least they have each other for comfort, right? Maybe that's their idea: head back to the cabin for a consoling cuddle. The two make to leave and start heading for the door.

But Blythe isn't done just yet. "Oh gentleman," he calls out in a courteous tone, and the two fellas stop in the doorway and turn to face him. "I do hope you've been enjoying the cruise so far," the captain continues. "Remember we have a shuffleboard tournament on main deck at four bells... and, uh, disco lessons in the lounge at six bells." Disco lessons? We all know what a code for gayness THAT is. And to underline the gaiety, the captain makes a strange miming gesture with his fists moving towards his mouth that (I swear!) looks like an oral sex simulation. As he imitates the motion of jacking two dicks off in his face, the film soundtrack punctuates his hand-and-mouth action with a fruity shake of the maracas. It's not a pretty sight, so I won't be posting a screen cap of that. Instead you'll see the adorably appalled look DJ and Pete give each other in response to Blythe's announcements.

As Pete and DJ walk along the boat deck complaining and joking about their new predicament, DJ accidentally stumbles onto an idea. "Maybe Aunt Louise will bail us out," he says. "You are a beautiful dreamer, DJ," Pete replies. Aw, that he is... But seriously. DJ really likes this idea. "She likes cars, and she's trying to get her niece hooked up." Pete is resistant to the idea, but DJ keeps pushing. "All you gotta do is keep the 'doc' enthralled with your tales of derring-do while I initiate Aunt Louise into the delights of Formula One racing." Recruit a middle-aged nympho to sponsor the release of their race car and seduce a seemingly frigid nerd? Truth be told, I side with Pete here. It doesn't sound like a very good plan and it seems to me like DJ is displaying a little bit of a douchey streak. Aw, well... At least he's an adorable douche, right?

That night is a costume party, which seemingly every guest on the boat is prepared for , as everyone is decked out in appropriate accoutrements. Aunt Louise is dressed as Little Bo Peep, shamelessly drooling over Captain Blythe (who's wearing an exact replica of some historical uniform from maritime history, of course). Pete and DJ go the lazy route and just wear their racing gear. As DJ lures Louise away from the captain and sits her at a nearby table, Pete and Melissa (in a jungle explorer costume) take to the dance floor to share a slow song together.

"It's the absolute thrill of a lifetime when you see that car that belongs to you streak across that finish line a winner," DJ tells the aunt as he starts to lay down his sales pitch. "Not only that," he continues. "You're part of the technological advancement of the automotive world." Jeez, DJ... you're really laying on the BS pretty thick. But Louise doesn't seem to notice, as she admires Pete and her niece holding each other close on the nearby dancefloor. "They seem to be enjoying themselves," she observes approvingly.

"Yeah," DJ adds. "They're really hitting it off. Pete's a great guy. He's what I call a beautiful person." And he looks over at his buddy adoringly. Awww... his feelings for his favorite fella are so seriously sweet. Meanwhile, Pete shares stories with Melissa of his exciting racing lifestyle as the slowly move across the dancefloor together: "Usually when we race, a good time means towing the crew across Texas in the middle of August, looking for a Denny's... then bedding down in some fleabag motel." The crew? Who does that consist of? It seems it's a crew of one: DJ. And after their racing adventures under the hot summer sun, what happens when they crash out in that fleabag motel together? What sexual fun transpires between the two of them when the door closes and they take to their bed?

Pete leaves this part of the story out, instead turning the conversation towards something more romantic. He removes her glasses from her face, apparently exposing her feminine beauty supposedly hidden behind the unflattering eyewear, and she shyly looks away. Nearby, DJ watches the slowdancing pair with a slightly nervous look. Yeah, this whole fake seduction of the niece was his idea, but now it looks like he might have regretted suggesting  it. Is that a bit of jealousy I see there in DJ's eyes?

For the one and only time in the entire film, we then see Pete in a scene where is he not with his special pal DJ. He walks Melissa to the door of her cabin and finishes off his flirtation with a rather chaste kiss. He's apparently not very into it, just acting the part of the straight boy and coming across a bit cold, but she looks like she has a miniature orgasm, her eyes closed in a brief moment of ecstasy. Hate to tell you honey, but you don't stand a chance. You don't have what DJ can give...

Pete is soon reunited with his true flame, but there's no romance in the air as he grumpily stomps into the cabin he and DJ are sharing and plops himself down on his bed, a massively mopey frown on his miserable mug. DJ is already in the other bed, under the covers, down to his undies, casually reading a magazine. He pauses in his perusal of the publication as he listens to Pete complain about how uncomfortable he is pretending to have feelings for mousey Melissa.

DJ insensitively dismisses Pete's pained protests: "Come on, just a couple more days. I already got the money. Aunt Louise gave me a check. We got the car out of hock. And get this, kiddo. She's gonna sponsor us all the way. We name it, she buys it, no limit! All you gotta do is keep making like Burt Reynolds." Not the least bit interested in the progress his pal has made, Pete seems a bit skeptical that DJ has actually secured the funds. "So, that's the deal?" he grumbles distrutingly. It seems he knows his buddy well and is aware of his tendencies to stretch the truth. Seeming to admit to this, DJ just shrugs his shoulders. "Well, I sorta read it between the lines," he acknowledges. "Anyway, the important thing is we're back in the running. Ahh! Nothing's gonna stop us now."

In the movie, the scene stops here. But like DJ, I am also eager to read between the lines. If the scene was allowed to continue, I imagine it would go something like this:

Despite DJ's enthusiasm, Pete remains sullen, sitting sadly as he sulks on the opposite bed. "Oh Pete," DJ sighs. "It's not that bad, is it? It's not like you're going to have to go all the way with Aunt Louise's niece. She seems too prim to actually expect to go all the way. She's clearly not the nympho that her dear aunt is." He chuckles to himself, but his buddy Pete stays stuck in his messed-up mood.

DJ gets a bit irritated and starts getting a little snappy, speaking sharply to his sad-sack sidekick: "Hey! I thought we were in this together. We've had a dream of making it in a real big race for years now, and I know we can win the Grand Primeo! I'll do whatever I have to to keep us on track, and you should be too. Listening to that dingbat Louise ramble on is no picnic, you know. So I don't want to hear your whining!" DJ stops himself and brings the conversation down a notch. "Look, I'm sorry," he apologizes. "Let's not fight about this, OK? You're my best buddy, and I love you. We've had enough stress on this trip already."

DJ reaches down to grab the  sheet and blanket covering his lower body laying across the bed. "I think I know what will cheer you up and take your mind off all this," he grins, and he pulls back the sheets to reveal his bulging crotch, the cotton briefs barely concealing his throbbing erection. "Wanna have some make-up sex?" he asks his pal Pete, who slowly starts to smile as he begins to slip out of his silver racing jumper and move towards his horny pal's bedside.

DJ laughs as he pulls off his underwear, his hard member pointing vertically towards the ceiling as a glistening drop of liquid appears at the tip of the engorged head. "Come and get it," he smiles as he puts his hands behind his head and looks over in excited expectation. 

Woah! I've got to stop myself right there! This entry is getting way too hot to handle and I'm getting seriously caught up in the fantasy. I think I'm going to end this here for now, as I feel something getting stiff in my pants that requires my attention. Excuse me while I take matters into my own hands, so to speak..... See you next entry for one last look at "Herbie Goes Bananas" and another dose of CMS love! 

SI, MUY CALIENTE! The first 15 minutes of "Herbie Goes Bananas" (1980)

OK, I'm going to just come right out and say it: this is the point in the Charles Martin Smith filmography where I totally lose my shit over his sexiness. In the past entries I've posted about his films, I have been trying to show a degree of restraint in my expressions of the admiration I have for this particular person. Besides being seriously attracted to him, I also deeply admire him as an actor and director. So I've tried to keep the tone respectful to a degree. In the old deleted incarnation of this blog, I felt like I often let things careen too far into Prurient-ville. That's actually one of the reasons I junked the first version of "CMS is the Sexiest Man Alive!" and started over. So, even though I have made numerous comments of a sexual nature in this current version of the blog so far, there's still a line I've tried to keep myself from crossing.

Starting here with this entry's film, the Walt Disney Production "Herbie Goes Bananas" (1980), I find myself right at that line feeling pushed to cross it, urged on by the level of incredible hotness I am witness to. With this movie and the next several, I am confronted by Charles Martin Smith embodying what to me is pretty much perfection in my book. You'd better fucking believe at this point in his career, this 10 year stretch through the 1980s, I strongly declare that Charles Martin Smith is the Sexiest Man Alive! 

Guess what that's an image of... Go on, guess. If you said it was my splooge all over the TV screen after getting all excited watching Charles in this movie, you would be wrong. But that was a really good guess... It's actually the famous VW Love Bug's name, Herbie, caught in mid-transformation at the start of the credit sequence. As the coast of Mexico rushes by in the background, Herbie's name (animated in the distinctive shape of a VW Beetle) rolls onto the center of the screen. Then GLOOP... it changes into a gooey glob, then switches shape to a bright Mexican blanket, H-E-R-B-I-E stitched into it's design in big bold colorful letters. It's actually a clever metaphor for the transformation the living car with the mind of it's own goes through in this picture, the 4th in the popular Disney franchise. But I'll only be making a few limited references to that in my assessment of this film. Even though this is Herbie's movie, he is not who I am here to talk about.

There's who I'm here to talk about: Charles Martin Smith! We're here in the hot, sweltering city of Puerto Vallarta as the film begins, the high temperatures necessitating a wardrobe that is appropriate to the environment. So right from the start, we're hit smack-dab with Charles in an outfit that beautifully shows off his incredibly sexy legs. So much skin is exposed that I have to devote an entire entry to just the first 15 minutes of "Herbie Goes Bananas" instead of a single posting covering the whole film. You'll see: there's enough sexy CMS on display here to take up a ton of space with mouthwatering pics and gushing commentary. 

In the background behind the credits, we see a bus traveling along a coastal road. As it comes to a stop and it's passengers begin streaming off, we are introduced to our two main characters: first there's Pete (Stephen Burns), who I'm guessing is supposed to be the film's leading hunk. And actually he's pretty cute, with his nice dark hair and handsome features. But he's no match for his pal DJ (CMS). Struggling with his big duffle bag as an unruly bunch of kids shove past him, we see DJ awkwardly exit the bus.  Wow...would you take a look at those shorts? That's some surprisingly revealing clothing, huh? Look how high up his beautifully meaty thigh you can see! Swoon!

It looks like we're in for another of CMS's trademark "awkward nerd" performances... and holy cow! I'm really loving being able to see this much exposed Charles! Damn, he's lookin' goooood! Hells yeah! Just look at those incredible legs. Look! Look, I said! And guess what? There's more luscious leg action coming up! Woo hoo! I feel like I hit the jackpot!

As CMS gains his composure and stops doing that adorably klutzy thing that he does so well, he walks over to his buddy who's standing nearby admiring the beautiful scenery. "Hey Pete, are you sure this is the place?" he asks. Nice! It's been a while since CMS has had the first line of the show (the last time was that 1974 episode of "The Streets of San Francisco"). "You saw the letter. This is the place," Pete chuckles as he puts a reassuring arm around his companion. This leads to another thing I have to discuss about this film. I feel rather strongly that the relationship this pair has goes beyond just being good friends. The chemistry between DJ and Pete suggests a definite sexual component. How deep it goes or what exact form it takes is open to debate, but there's definitely something hot and tender going on here.  Continue reading and I will show you what I'm talking about.

As the guys make their way along the coastal sidewalk, we hear their reason for arriving in this exotic locale: Pete and DJ are here in Puerto Vallarta to claim a race car that Pete's uncle has left to him. "For sentimental reasons," he explains to DJ. All they have to do is pay a storage fee to the garage it's been left at, which DJ is taking care of, a wad of bills waiting in his pocket. Foolishly, he says this out loud and is overheard by a suspicious looking little Mexican kid the two guys pass by.

This kid in question is young orphan Paco (Joaquin Garay III), who follows after them and approaches the two with the initial offer of a shoe shine. When that is rejected, the little squirt informs them: "You are personally connected to a Puerto Vallartan. I show you plenty good time!" Gosh, what sort of entertainment is this kid suggesting to this handsome young pair of guys?

DJ seems a little amused, or at least curious. "Hey, what do you say, Pete?" he asks his pal, who is not interested at all. "It's not in the budget," Pete explains a little gruffly to their potential guide to the secret sexy side of this seaside city. Look at that sweet CMS smile. How could you say no to that? I don't know, but Pete does it with no trouble. Jeez... isn't it DJ's money? Who makes the decisions about how to spend each other's cash? Sounds more like bickering boyfriends than platonic pals, if you ask me...

But they DO need someone to show them how to get to the garage their car is stored at, and Paco is more than willing to do it ("Free on the house!"). He walks them down the street a ways, and is very  chatty and complimentary ("I like Americans! Americans very smart people!"). After a bit, he points out a street and directs them to go down it 2 blocks to reach their destination.

They thank their little guide and he gives them an enthusiastic "Welcome to Puerto Vallarta!" before scampering off back the way they came. DJ looks over at Pete and gives him a look of bemusement mixed with a dash of annoyance. Gosh, what a handsome mug you've got there, Charles...

Then another look comes over his face, one that seems to communicate something more tender and playful. "Let's hurry and get this car so we can go back to the hotel room and cuddle naked," it appears to be saying. At least that's what I'd like to think it's saying. Whatever kind of look that is, CMS is sure looking adorable in this scene. And if I were standing there and he were giving me that look, I'd probably have jizzed in my pants instantly.

As the pair of pals continue on their way, I get another peek at CMS in those super sexy shorts. Now, it's from behind... and I love what I see. As I've mentioned many times before on this blog, I have always been a huge fan of the rear end Charles is in possession of. Pair it with those beautifully shaped legs and I am in heaven...

Meanwhile, in a nearby hotel, three obviously evil men (Howard Vernon, Alex Rocco, and Richard Jaeckel) are examining a microfilm photo of the jungles of South America. It appears they have located a lost Incan city, and conspire to plunder it's gold.

We return to Pete and DJ, who have arrived at the garage to claim their race car. They are surprised when they are told by the head mechanic that the car in question is the VW Beetle known as Herbie. "This thing won the Monte Carlo Grand Prix?" DJ asks incredulously. The mechanic tells them a brief history of the Love Bug's most recent success as well as a tragic final race that led to Herbie retiring from racing with a broken heart. Or something like that... I think they'd better wrap it up and get a move on. There's some naked cuddling to get to!

It's time to pay the deposit, and it's at this moment that DJ discovers his wallet is missing from his back pocket. Oh crap, that little Mexican brat stole it! But he and Pete play it cool and don't let on that they don't have the cash to pay up, instead asking if they can take the little car around the block to see how  well it's running. The friendly mechanic suspects nothing and says yes. 

Now they're tooling around the alleys and side streets of Puerto Vallarta, on the hunt for that sneaky little shit. Actually, the 2 actors are now on a soundstage with cheaply matted optical effects behind them (typical of Disney movies in the 1970s). They're both mad as hell and angry at themselves too for being such suckers. I must say, they're both kinda cute when they're pissed. Look at that adorably annoyed expression on CMS's face...

Not far away, the three villains we saw earlier are now leaving their hotel, where they run into Paco on the sidewalk. He offers to carry their bags, but ends up getting in a scuffle with them. The kid even gets kicked by one of them, and he goes flying into the street! Damn! But the resilient runt just picks himself up and scampers away into traffic, apparently unharmed, darting between vehicles like a little latin frogger...

Of course Paco has grabbed a bad guy's wallet too, and he sits behind a large crate in the alley to look at what he's gained from his thievery. As he rifles through the stolen billfolds, he discovers the secret microfilm that reveals the location of the lost Incan city, although he is totally ignorant of it's significance. Meanwhile, Pete and DJ (back on location and off the soundstage) manage to spot the larcenist's lanky legs poking out from behind the crate. "See that grubby little foot out behind that box?" Pete asks with an angry growl to his voice. "A cold beer says it's attached to Paco the dip!" Yeah, and see that fabulously furry forearm resting there on the window sill? A warm bear says it's attached to The Sexiest Man Alive. 

Pete and DJ try to quietly slip out of the VW so they can sneak over and grab the brat, but Herbie's squeaky door alerts Paco to their presence. Darn! DJ slams the door shut in frustration! This initiates an extended chase sequence, with Paco swiftly speeding through the backyards and back alleys, Pete close on his tail with DJ bumbling behind and barely keeping up. I'm absolutely astounded once again by the super sexy sight of CMS's lovely legs. 

Although the other two hop over a wall with relative ease, DJ struggles quite a bit more to scale the obstacle. In the process, I am treated to some prime footage of CMS being all cute & clumsy. Both that incredible butt and those fantastic legs are displayed so nicely in this moment. Holy moly! 

The more CMS slips and stumbles, the more excited I get in response. It's crazy, I know this scene is really not intended to be so friggin' hot, but I can't help but feel it really is... absurdly so! How can you not have this adorable guy wear those tiny little brown shorts, accentuating the most arousing attributes of this particular performer, and not be aware of the stunningly sexy sights shown in these scenes? I mean really! That ass, those legs... 

The awkwardness continues as DJ finally gets over the wall and into the backyard on the opposite side. Before you know it, he's ran right into a bunch of drying laundry hanging on the line, a big blue piece of fabric wrapping itself around his precious puss. At least his lower body remains unobscured for me to enjoy. So nice!

Slowed down by DJ's accidental antics, they lose Paco in the mess of  locals and tourists crowding the sidewalks. As the two friends separate to spread the search over a wider area, the trio of villains realize they've also been the victim of Paco's pickpocketing. Now they're all hunting for his hide. Who will find him first? Look everywhere, he's got to be around here someplace...

It's oh so cute when Pete and DJ come barreling around a corner from opposite directions and run smack-dab into each other. Oops! They fumble for a few seconds in each other's arms before they regain their balance. I wish I could see more of that kind of activity between them, but they are quickly distracted by something: Oh hey, look over there. It's that little shit Paco, still holding onto the two wallets!

Pete and DJ split up so they can come at the kid from either side. I get to see CMS run around in those super sexy shorts some more, doing that goofy-yet-hot thing once again. There he goes, running over to spy on the thief from behind the tree. Is it me, or is there something about that ankle sticking out from behind the trunk all askew that says "gayness present here"? Yeah, true... it's a somewhat stereotypical presumption, but I'll take my gay-related Charles Martin Smith elements where ever I can find them.

Now I get to see CMS doing that cutely angry facial expression again. So here's another gratuitous shot of him showing it off. Obviously, I think Mr. Smith is looking highly handsome in this particular motion picture. Therefore, every opportunity to appreciate the photographic evidence is completely and totally justified as far as I'm concerned.

As DJ watches, Paco pulls the stolen wallet out of his pocket, rifles through it and pulls out a single dollar bill, then starts to put the pilfered billfold in a nearby mailbox. "Oh no you don't!" DJ shouts out as he rushes out from behind the tree, grabbing the klepto kid before he can drop it though the mail slot.  Jeez, all that trouble to just take $1, when there's clearly more cash to grab out of it? What's that all about? Anyhow, now the guys have recovered their deposit money and they're on their way back to their newly acquired vehicle.

But there's still the villain's wallet too, and Paco pulls it out and admires it. This time he doesn't even take any money out, just holds it in his hands and looks at it. What the hell kind of pickpocket is this? Oh boy, the bad guys are across the street, yelling for the return of the wallet. Too late! Paco drops it in the mailbox and runs away as fast as he can. Herbie seems to have taken a shine to the little pickpocket and appears at a convenient moment, rolling over to the rascal to offer his trunk as a hiding place.  Paco  happily hops inside. Shortly after, Pete and DJ return to the car and prepare to head to the garage to pay that deposit they owe the mechanic. Aw, how nice. What honest guys. They could have said screw the garage and just taken off and gone back to the hotel. Naked cuddle time is overdue!

The police have helped the trio of antagonists retrieve their wallet from the mailbox, and they discover the Incan microfilm is not inside. Paco must have shoved it back into the wrong wallet... DJ's wallet. Gosh! They assume the kid still has it and in their search catch a glimpse of him peeking out of Herbie's trunk.

"Stop that car," they yell... but Herbie isn't going to let them capture his new pal. He pops a wheelie and peels off at super-speed. Pete and DJ sit inside, powerless to control the little car that has taken command of the situation. "Maybe this bug did win the Grand Prix!" DJ gasps in astonishment. "I think we've got ourselves a race car!" 

OK, then! There's been a quick change of plans. Pete and DJ are going to take Herbie to Brazil for the Grand Primeo race, booking passage on the cruise ship Sun Princess. As they watch from the dock, Herbie is loaded into the storage hold of the vessel, the sneaky little brat secretly stowing away inside. I take a moment to admire the lovely sight of Charles Martin Smith in those sexy shorts. Unfortunately, we don't see him wearing anything this hot for the rest of the film (though the orange mechanic's jumpsuit we see him in the film's final scene is quite sexy too). So I'm going to admire the lovely view of CMS from behind one more time before the film moves on.

"Something's weird about that car, DJ," Pete says suspiciously, understating the obvious. Acting as though cars that come to life are not really unusual or cause for concern, DJ responds enthusiastically: "I know! It's dynamite, and it will blow the doors off anything in the race!" 

And with that, DJ grabs his cuddle buddy's arm and they move onboard the boat. Soon, they'll be laying together in their cabin bed, their naked limbs intertwined, softly snoring as they sweetly snooze in each other's arms, finally resting and relaxing after their hectic little adventure in Puerto Vallarta. At least, that's what I'd like to think happens. I continue to maintain that there is a special relationship between these two characters. Why else are they so inseparable? With the exception of one scene, Pete and DJ are never seen apart for the entire movie. They remain constantly by each other's side, both devoted to the very end of the film. You'll see more of their relationship described in the next look I take at "Herbie Goes Bananas" and CMS. 

It's time to wrap this entry up and get it published, since completion of this one is so seriously overdue.  It's crazy: the last actual write-up of one of his films was nearly four months ago. Four friggin' months! Damn! Hopefully you won't be waiting long for the next one: my account of an amazing ocean voyage filled with love, lust, and romance. It's sex and seduction on a ship at sea in the next chapter of "Charles Martin Smith is the Sexiest Man Alive!"