A few words before I jump into this entry: Once again I am confronted with a real struggle as to how I should articulate my feelings for CMS. How far do I go in expressing my interest in this particular actor? Or to be more specific: how far is too far? Does making the entries more explicitly sexual result in material that ultimately disrespects Mr. Smith? Determining this has slowed down my output on this blog more than any other factor. But I also have an overwhelming eagerness to express my strongly held opinion: Charles Martin Smith is the Sexiest Man Alive. My passions have been aroused and I am ready to dive in, hopefully with readers understanding that my intentions concerning Mr. Smith are ultimately good and that my desires are sincere. You've waited long enough for a new entry (two whole months!), so let's get on with it!
Last entry, we took a look at the hella-hot appearance made by Charles Martin Smith in the 4th film in Disney's Love Bug franchise, "Herbie Goes Bananas" (1980). I only managed to get through the first 15 minutes of the movie, thanks to the super-sexy shorts CMS was sporting (leaving me extra excited by the sight of his beautifully displayed butt and legs). Although we don't get to see my favorite actor in such a revealing outfit in the rest of the movie, we still get many moments of sexual suggestiveness and horny hotness to examine in this entry. Once again, there's so much material to examine that I'll be devoting another whole entry to a relatively small chunk of the film. Let's rejoin our characters as they travel aboard the cruise ship Sun Princess, bound for Panama...
It's dinnertime onboard, and the ship's Captain Blythe (Harvey Korman, acting like he's escaped from a Mel Brooks movie) entertains and horrifies the guests at his table with outrageously provocative tales of piracy on the high seas. "Well, the booty was taken aboard the man-of-war and the enemy vessel scuttled," he begins with a gruff and dramatic voice. "Each captive seaman was given 100 lashes with the cat, spread eagled on the rigging." At a nearby table, insatiable nymphomaniac Louise Trends (Cloris Leachman) sits with her mousy niece Melissa (Elyssa Davalos), eavesdropping on the captain's salacious stories. "They were met with stiff resistance as they clambered aboard," the captain continues. "It was parry and thrust, thrust and parry!" he shouts out, grabbing a sword-like carving knife and plunging it deep into the candle on the table in front of him, one phallic symbol violating the other. Meanwhile, Melissa asks her aunt what she's having for dinner as they peruse the menu. "I think I'll have that captain on a bed of roses," she says playfully as she eyes him across the dining room. Melissa just shakes her head. "Aunt Louise, you're incorrigible," she mutters. "I know! I've never regretted a moment of it," Louise sighs, as she proudly ponders the plethora of penises that have previously penetrated and pounded her pussy.
Into this depraved dining room step our heroes, Pete Stanciczek (Stephen W. Burns) and Davy Johns AKA DJ (CMS). As we saw last entry, they are the new owners of the famous VW Beetle, Herbie. They're now on their way to Brazil to enter the Grand Primeo race, their newly acquired race car stashed away in the cargo hold. They are placed at the table with Aunt Louise and Melissa and introduce themselves to the ladies before sitting, Louise excited by their handsomeness as her niece cringes with embarrassment.
As I pointed out in the previous entry, I have a theory that these two guys are more than just platonic friends. I pick up hints of something more sexual between them. Just look at that admiring way in which DJ gazes fondly at Pete as they're making their introductions. I think there's some love there in his eyes, I really do. And there's more of that coming up ahead too.
Their low-key gayness stands in sharp contrast to Louise's lasciviousness, as she barely restrains her drooling when she shakes their hands. Melissa almost overcompensates for her aunt's brazenness by retreating into nerdy asexuality. There's a moment of awkwardness as it sinks in for DJ and Pete that their dinner with these two could become real uncomfortable real fast. But they're gentleman, and they barely lose their polite smiles and keep it friendly as they take their seats. When Louise asks them if they're going to Rio, she explains it's a city of romance. "You really, to get the most out of it, have to share it with someone," she says flirtatiously as Pete squirms uncomfortably in his seat, unsure if he should tell her he already has a cute guy to romantically share Rio with.
Melissa explains that she's going to South America to study for her doctorate in Latin American Cultures, but her aunt hushes her, irritated that she would spoil the mood with such dry discussion, and she brings the conversation back to the men by asking them why they are traveling south of the equator. Pete informs then that he and DJ are entering a car in the Brazil Grand Primeo. "Pete here handles the wheel, the rest is my lookout," his partner adds. Hmmm... what exactly does "the rest" entail? How many of Pete's needs does DJ attend to? Since he is a mechanic, after all, I am sure that means he is quite good with his hands. Lucky, lucky Pete...
"Oh! Oh! I just love race cars!" Aunt Louise exclaims excitedly. "Don't you, Melissa?" Her niece looks over with an irritated look. "Not really," she answers coldly. Gosh, it's getting more awkward at the table, as Pete and DJ look over at each other nervously. What have they gotten themselves into? Louise seems to calm down at this point. "Hungry?" she asks the men, and this time I think she is taking a break from double entendres and really just referring to the consumption of food.
Chaos breaks out in the cargo hold as that adorable automotive Herbie "comes to life" and drives around smashing into stuff and making a huge mess. When he's finally caught in a big net, the stowaway hiding inside is discovered: prepubescent pint-sized Puerto Vallartan pickpocket Paco (Joaquin Garay III). So the little volkswagen is secured in place while the child is locked up in a cage (yikes!)... and then there's the matter of all the damage done.
Despite not being behind the wheel of the car at the time, Pete (as owner of the troublesome little car) is held fully responsible for paying for it, as the captain barely conceals his rage as he struggles to suppresses his sadistic tendencies, firmly fingering a leather whip in his hands, holding it almost phallically at one point. Maybe it's just my dirty mindset, but all the dialogue here seems rife with double entendres. "Now... how did you want to... handle that?" the captain growls out, seeming to refer to the phallically brandished whip (or even the cap's own fleshy phallus) as much as to the restitution for damage incurred below.
"You mean pay for it?" DJ responds incredulously. He just as easily could be talking about covering the costs of Herbie's rampage, or maybe replying that he has never had to pay money to handle anyone's phallus. DJ's certainly cute enough to never need to seek sex that costs money. And besides, he's got his cuddle buddy, Pete!
Captain Blythe continues to careen back and forth between moods like a bipolar kook who's gone off his meds, switching from polite and proper to sinister and screaming. "I'm your captain, judge and jury! I'll decide what's your responsibility!" he barks out at one point, punctuating his momentary madness with a sharp crack of the whip. Jeez! Of course, Pete and DJ recoil in horror at the outbursts of this deranged person in front of them. Poor guys... they don't deserve this brutal treatment!
After more stern lecturing and accusations of importing illegal aliens (thanks to their bratty little stowaway), a judgement is made: Herbie is to be impounded until their financial obligations are met. Aw, crap! There's no way the guys will be able to afford that! Their plans of racing their troublesome VW are all going to hell... Damn. At least they have each other for comfort, right? Maybe that's their idea: head back to the cabin for a consoling cuddle. The two make to leave and start heading for the door.
But Blythe isn't done just yet. "Oh gentleman," he calls out in a courteous tone, and the two fellas stop in the doorway and turn to face him. "I do hope you've been enjoying the cruise so far," the captain continues. "Remember we have a shuffleboard tournament on main deck at four bells... and, uh, disco lessons in the lounge at six bells." Disco lessons? We all know what a code for gayness THAT is. And to underline the gaiety, the captain makes a strange miming gesture with his fists moving towards his mouth that (I swear!) looks like an oral sex simulation. As he imitates the motion of jacking two dicks off in his face, the film soundtrack punctuates his hand-and-mouth action with a fruity shake of the maracas. It's not a pretty sight, so I won't be posting a screen cap of that. Instead you'll see the adorably appalled look DJ and Pete give each other in response to Blythe's announcements.
As Pete and DJ walk along the boat deck complaining and joking about their new predicament, DJ accidentally stumbles onto an idea. "Maybe Aunt Louise will bail us out," he says. "You are a beautiful dreamer, DJ," Pete replies. Aw, that he is... But seriously. DJ really likes this idea. "She likes cars, and she's trying to get her niece hooked up." Pete is resistant to the idea, but DJ keeps pushing. "All you gotta do is keep the 'doc' enthralled with your tales of derring-do while I initiate Aunt Louise into the delights of Formula One racing." Recruit a middle-aged nympho to sponsor the release of their race car and seduce a seemingly frigid nerd? Truth be told, I side with Pete here. It doesn't sound like a very good plan and it seems to me like DJ is displaying a little bit of a douchey streak. Aw, well... At least he's an adorable douche, right?
That night is a costume party, which seemingly every guest on the boat is prepared for , as everyone is decked out in appropriate accoutrements. Aunt Louise is dressed as Little Bo Peep, shamelessly drooling over Captain Blythe (who's wearing an exact replica of some historical uniform from maritime history, of course). Pete and DJ go the lazy route and just wear their racing gear. As DJ lures Louise away from the captain and sits her at a nearby table, Pete and Melissa (in a jungle explorer costume) take to the dance floor to share a slow song together.
"It's the absolute thrill of a lifetime when you see that car that belongs to you streak across that finish line a winner," DJ tells the aunt as he starts to lay down his sales pitch. "Not only that," he continues. "You're part of the technological advancement of the automotive world." Jeez, DJ... you're really laying on the BS pretty thick. But Louise doesn't seem to notice, as she admires Pete and her niece holding each other close on the nearby dancefloor. "They seem to be enjoying themselves," she observes approvingly.
"Yeah," DJ adds. "They're really hitting it off. Pete's a great guy. He's what I call a beautiful person." And he looks over at his buddy adoringly. Awww... his feelings for his favorite fella are so seriously sweet. Meanwhile, Pete shares stories with Melissa of his exciting racing lifestyle as the slowly move across the dancefloor together: "Usually when we race, a good time means towing the crew across Texas in the middle of August, looking for a Denny's... then bedding down in some fleabag motel." The crew? Who does that consist of? It seems it's a crew of one: DJ. And after their racing adventures under the hot summer sun, what happens when they crash out in that fleabag motel together? What sexual fun transpires between the two of them when the door closes and they take to their bed?
Pete leaves this part of the story out, instead turning the conversation towards something more romantic. He removes her glasses from her face, apparently exposing her feminine beauty supposedly hidden behind the unflattering eyewear, and she shyly looks away. Nearby, DJ watches the slowdancing pair with a slightly nervous look. Yeah, this whole fake seduction of the niece was his idea, but now it looks like he might have regretted suggesting it. Is that a bit of jealousy I see there in DJ's eyes?
For the one and only time in the entire film, we then see Pete in a scene where is he not with his special pal DJ. He walks Melissa to the door of her cabin and finishes off his flirtation with a rather chaste kiss. He's apparently not very into it, just acting the part of the straight boy and coming across a bit cold, but she looks like she has a miniature orgasm, her eyes closed in a brief moment of ecstasy. Hate to tell you honey, but you don't stand a chance. You don't have what DJ can give...
Pete is soon reunited with his true flame, but there's no romance in the air as he grumpily stomps into the cabin he and DJ are sharing and plops himself down on his bed, a massively mopey frown on his miserable mug. DJ is already in the other bed, under the covers, down to his undies, casually reading a magazine. He pauses in his perusal of the publication as he listens to Pete complain about how uncomfortable he is pretending to have feelings for mousey Melissa.
DJ insensitively dismisses Pete's pained protests: "Come on, just a couple more days. I already got the money. Aunt Louise gave me a check. We got the car out of hock. And get this, kiddo. She's gonna sponsor us all the way. We name it, she buys it, no limit! All you gotta do is keep making like Burt Reynolds." Not the least bit interested in the progress his pal has made, Pete seems a bit skeptical that DJ has actually secured the funds. "So, that's the deal?" he grumbles distrutingly. It seems he knows his buddy well and is aware of his tendencies to stretch the truth. Seeming to admit to this, DJ just shrugs his shoulders. "Well, I sorta read it between the lines," he acknowledges. "Anyway, the important thing is we're back in the running. Ahh! Nothing's gonna stop us now."
In the movie, the scene stops here. But like DJ, I am also eager to read between the lines. If the scene was allowed to continue, I imagine it would go something like this:
Despite DJ's enthusiasm, Pete remains sullen, sitting sadly as he sulks on the opposite bed. "Oh Pete," DJ sighs. "It's not that bad, is it? It's not like you're going to have to go all the way with Aunt Louise's niece. She seems too prim to actually expect to go all the way. She's clearly not the nympho that her dear aunt is." He chuckles to himself, but his buddy Pete stays stuck in his messed-up mood.
DJ gets a bit irritated and starts getting a little snappy, speaking sharply to his sad-sack sidekick: "Hey! I thought we were in this together. We've had a dream of making it in a real big race for years now, and I know we can win the Grand Primeo! I'll do whatever I have to to keep us on track, and you should be too. Listening to that dingbat Louise ramble on is no picnic, you know. So I don't want to hear your whining!" DJ stops himself and brings the conversation down a notch. "Look, I'm sorry," he apologizes. "Let's not fight about this, OK? You're my best buddy, and I love you. We've had enough stress on this trip already."
DJ reaches down to grab the sheet and blanket covering his lower body laying across the bed. "I think I know what will cheer you up and take your mind off all this," he grins, and he pulls back the sheets to reveal his bulging crotch, the cotton briefs barely concealing his throbbing erection. "Wanna have some make-up sex?" he asks his pal Pete, who slowly starts to smile as he begins to slip out of his silver racing jumper and move towards his horny pal's bedside.
DJ laughs as he pulls off his underwear, his hard member pointing vertically towards the ceiling as a glistening drop of liquid appears at the tip of the engorged head. "Come and get it," he smiles as he puts his hands behind his head and looks over in excited expectation.
Woah! I've got to stop myself right there! This entry is getting way too hot to handle and I'm getting seriously caught up in the fantasy. I think I'm going to end this here for now, as I feel something getting stiff in my pants that requires my attention. Excuse me while I take matters into my own hands, so to speak..... See you next entry for one last look at "Herbie Goes Bananas" and another dose of CMS love!