CRAPPY CANINE COSTUMES: "A Dog's Life" (1979)

From the highest highs of "The Buddy Holly Story" and "Cotton Candy" (both 1978), we descend to the lowest low:  the mind-bogglingly awful "A Dog's Life" AKA "McGurk" is the first flat-out stinker in the Charles Martin Smith filmography. Aired only once on ABC (June 15, 1979), this is another pilot for a TV show that never developed beyond the initial episode. Supposedly a comedy, I suspect that the only laughter you will experience watching this will come from a place of incredulity. If you're a glutton for punishment, you can see for yourself here. It's only 25 minutes long, but I suspect you won't make it very far. The first ambush of awfulness you encounter is merely seconds in, when the main character McGurk (Barney Martin) runs up to the camera. Before he even says one word, you cannot help but cringe when you see the horrendous mess of fabric the costume designers tried to pass off as dog suits. Oh, did I mention? All the characters are dogs, as in actual animal dogs. But played by humans. In really cheap & ugly looking dog costumes. Then comes the first "joke" as McGurk is speaking directly into the camera telling us about how he woke up this morning at the usual time: "I guess it was the usual time. I don't know for sure. I can't tell time. I'm a dog!" The canned laughter kicks in, trying to trick you into laughing with some sort of artificial peer pressure, but it doesn't work. Not in the face of this tired humor. 

Then there's the theme song, a dreadful ditty performed by the four main actors called "We're Your Dogs" that I am going to hate for one reason more than any other. I blame this moment right here for single-handedly derailing the musical career of Charles Martin Smith. His last two film projects had allowed him to display his fabulous talents singing and playing rock 'n' roll, and he really could have had a great future in the world of music. But then this monstrosity came along. As far as I know, this is the very last time we will ever see or hear CMS in a music number from this point on. I hope I am wrong, as I see in the show's opening credits I was mistaken about Charles never being credited under the name Charlie anymore. Look, it's the more casual name right there (listed first among the four leads despite not playing the main character). So much for leaving it behind back in 1977 in "The Curious Case of the Campus Corpse"... So maybe I am wrong about this too, and I will see/hear Charles singing or playing a song again in a future film or TV role. But until then, I am holding "We're Your Dogs" responsible for destroying the musical future of Charles Martin Smith. Grrr!

It's not just Charlie that suffers here, as the whole group looks awkward and embarrassed. But it's not their fault. There's nothing you can you do with lousy lyrics like this: "Owning a dog is where it's at / Whoever heard of Pavlov's cat? / However you want us, we will be / Remember, dog spelled backwards is G-O-D!"

One thing I won't let these guys off the hook for is the half-assed execution of the choreography. Everyone's moves are pretty off, and they never manage to pull it together and quite dance in synch for the whole intro. CMS tries to cover up his mistakes with some of his trademark enthusiasm (work those spirit fingers!), but there's not enough plucky eagerness in the world to get you through a sloppy number like this without looking like a klutz. Nice try though, Charlie...

McGurk has been the only dog in the household for 11 years, but the arrival of a new puppy (CMS) throws his whole sense of security into the shredder. Observing the new doggy's hyperactive antics through a window, one of McGurk's friends offers this observation: "He thinks he's in a Disney movie." I should only be so lucky, because if this really were a Disney movie, then at least Charlie would be sexier in this. I've already pointed out his appearance in his first Walt Disney film (1976's "No Deposit, No Return") as being what I'd consider the starting point for his hunky hotness. And he's even hotter in his next two for Disney Studios, looking absolutely mouthwatering in his roles in "Herbie Goes Bananas" (1980) and "Never Cry Wolf" (1983). However, there's no way he can look good here in this unflattering brown bodysuit and wonky wig. He tries his darndest to be as adorable as he can, but he's fighting a losing battle that just cannot be won.

The new pup is named Tucker, and he tries to be friendly and start off on the right foot (right paw?) with McGurk, but is met initially with cold silence from the older mutt. The bitch from next door, Iris (Beej Johnson), is more receptive to Tucker's energetic friendliness. She goes all soft and girly when he calls her pretty and licks her paw as he shakes it (and it looks like CMS really licks her hand too, that's how much of a thorough professional he is). As she runs next door to fetch her younger daughter, perky bitch-in-heat Camille (Sherry Lynn), Tucker continues his efforts to win over his new canine housemate.

McGurk does respond, but only to lay down the rules of the household (basically everything is his and his alone), and seems ready to challenge the younger one with a little bit of aggression. Until the owners check up on them and the old dog puts on a show of happy camaraderie for their benefit (the humans are never seen onscreen, and only heard talking in a scrambled nonsense manner sounding almost like the adults in a "Charlie Brown" cartoon). Tucker reacts to McGurk's stubbornness with a sensible offer to work out some sort of peaceful arrangement between them, and his insistence prompts the older canine to grudgingly offer Tucker some kibble to nibble.

When McGurk suggests that the only reason their owners took Tucker in was because they're suckers who took pity on a stray mutt, the puppy suddenly switches from genial to offended. "I am not a mutt!" he insists indignantly. "I am a Rodesian Ridgeback!" he proclaims, and he strikes a presumably proper pose for such a pedigreed pup, bragging that he was not a rescued stray but a $500 purchase from a fancy kennel. This unnerves McGurk, who heads outside by himself to seek comfort and reassurance from Iris. "There's only one answer," he tells her. "They think I'm getting old. They want a younger dog in the house." When he notices the freshly dug hole in the yard and combines that with a suspicious discussion the owners had with the veterinarian the other week, McGurk concludes that the hole in the ground will actually be his grave and that he's a dying dog.

Hearing McGurk's sad whimpers, Tucker comes out into the yard and is very sympathetic when he's told the bad news. Before the conversation can get more serious, Camille shows up to check out the new dog. Distracted and horny, the two young'uns circle around each other but manage to avoid sniffing each other's assholes like I would expect them to. Iris ruins their frisky mood by informing her aroused daughter of McGurk's impending death. "You can't die," she gasps in surprise. "You're too young! It's not fair!"

"I don't want to die, I don't wanna!" McGurk howls, as Tucker rushes over to try to calm the doomed dog down. But he remains inconsolable, asking the pup to help him inside where he can lay in his bed and wait for the end to come. Gosh, what a despairing doggy! Wanting to be helpful and consoling, the other dogs take McGurk back into the house.

Tucker tries to keep a more positive perspective, insisting that the pained pooch really has nothing to worry about. This is all a misunderstanding, the hole in the yard really isn't there to serve as his burial place, and McGurk is going to live on to enjoy many more days to come. But the miserable mutt isn't listening, swiftly sinking into a somber state of sheer sorrow.

The two potentially passionate pups quickly forget about McGurk's morose musings on mortality and resume their fiery flirtations. Normally I would be all for seeing CMS get to play another romantic part, having enjoyed the few times he had the opportunity to get amorous with another character. But the awkward awfulness of the whole affair kills any potential puppy passion as far as I am concerned. It's all so unbearably unattractive. I suspect that even if I was into being aroused by anthropomorphics, I would still have trouble stirring up much enthusiasm for these furry fools in their atrocious animal apparel. Although in Sherry Lynn's defense, she is the least lame-looking of the group, managing to be sort of cute and appealing despite being dressed up in these dreadful dog duds. So it does make some sense for CMS to zero in on her.

"Would you two mind if we just dwell on my death?" McGurk moans miserably, snapping the captivated canines out of their concentrated courting. Tucker launches into another attempt to lift the depressed doggie's sagging spirits. "That dumb hole in the ground out there doesn't prove anything," he asserts. "Reach out and grab life by the tail!"

It's hard to remain upbeat when they eavesdrop on their human owner talking to the vet on the phone. What's that they overhear? It's "curtains for McGurk"? Oh no, maybe he really is dying. The two bitches begin blubbering and leave Tucker alone with the doomed doggy. "I'm not going to let you give up," he says stubbornly, but McGurk remains inconsolable. Wanting to cheer him up, the young pup goes to get him a bowl of fresh water to drink.

He soon returns with a dish of Perrier. "You deserve it," he smiles, as be places the drink bowl at McGurk's feet. "I don't want to be here alone without you," he continues. "I wanted you to be my friend." Awwww.... That's the closest this whole show has come to a genuine moment, and of course it came to us courtesy of Charlie's sincerity. "I don't want to die," McGurk confides to his canine companion. "I'm afraid. I don't know what it will be like." Confronted with such existential despair, Tucker's optimistic facade starts to crumble, his sunny sensibility suddenly starting to slip away.

"Pull yourself together, dog!" McGurk growls as he leaps to his feet. "Remember, you are a rare breed: a $500 Rodesian Ridgeback!" Tucker shakes his head. "No I'm not," he confesses. "I lied about that. I made up that whole story because you had me so scared when I got here." So he's just a common mutt after all, a stray found in a supermarket parking lot. "I don't even know who my father was," he confesses. "Who does?" McGurk replies.

The bitches suddenly rush into the room. Guess what? It really is all just a misunderstanding. When the owners talked about "curtains" for McGurk, they were talking literally, wanting to get curtains to put on the windows to block the morning sun so the old pooch could sleep in. "It's a miracle!" Tucker shouts. "You've cheated death!" And look outside: the hole they assumed was meant to be a grave has been filled back in.

They all rush outside, bursting with joy. "I'm alive! I love life!" McGurk shouts. "Me too! Life is the best thing there is!" Tucker adds eagerly. And with that jubilant proclamation, the two launch into a spirited doggy dance. The end. Finally. Thank goodness...

Oof! What a contrived mess,  spectacularly unfunny too. Even the desperate attempts at pathos rubbed me the wrong way. Oh, Charles... How did you get yourself involved with this turkey? I'm glad you were able to get back on track after this career misstep. I've found something to enjoy in everything CMS-related I have seen so far. Even the lesser ones still had something to offer. But there's nothing good about "A Dog's Life" at all. Even being a fan of so-bad-it's-good entertainment, I had to accept this was just straight-up bad. I hope I never have to suffer through watching CMS in anything this horrible ever again. Oh, the things I do for love...

GEORGE + BRENDA: More from "Cotton Candy" (1978)

I'm having a little trouble with this entry's film, "Cotton Candy" (1978). With Charles Martin Smith featured in almost every scene playing the main character, high school rock band leader George Smalley, there ends up being too much captivating cuteness and heartbreaking hotness to be contained in just one post. Despite the reputation the film has for being squeaky-clean and innocently naïve, there are surprising undercurrents of sexuality that occasionally come bursting out at unexpected moments (see last entry's strip poker scene). This leaves me with much to say and many screen caps to share. 

I've already admitted several times how much I love the sight of CMS holding a guitar, and you might have noticed the plentiful images of him and his instrument to be found here. But there's more to my enjoyment of this movie than just CMS and anything appealing he brings to his part. It's true, the film is somewhat dated and the dialogue is occasionally cheesy (amusingly so). But at it's core is a compelling and entertaining piece of storytelling that vividly and engrossingly details a high school misfit's efforts to find his place in the world and have his meaningful moment of musical merriment. I don't understand why director/co-writer Ron Howard would not be proud to have "Cotton Candy" seen today, but it's rumored he's intentionally keeping it locked away and off the market. Gosh, if Howard can stand behind an unwatchable misfire like "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" (2000), then he can certainly embrace this charming cult classic.

It's fun seeing CMS in a romantic role again, something I've only seen him do so far in "American Graffiti" (1973). Like Candy Clark in that film, Leslie King is lovely and likable. And like that hit film's pairing, it just feels good to watch the two of them share a scene together. Let's rejoin George Smalley (CMS) and Brenda Matthews (King), shall we? Brenda approaches George at school as he sits on some steps working on new Cotton Candy songs. After chatting a bit about their classes, she asks if he's free before the next band practice to help her work out some of the harmonies she's struggling with. How about 8:30 tonight, after he's through at work? Awww... it's so cute watching them take these tentative little steps towards dating.

That night, after a pleasant evening together talking and harmonizing, George (with some gentle nudging from Brenda) gets up the nerve to ask her out for dinner and a movie. Of course she's interested. How could she not be falling for this adorable guy? After they agree on next week Friday for their date,  George leans in and gives Brenda a little kiss. Awww! Such cuteness goin' on! As he rolls off into the night on his bicycle, a sweet instrumental melody starts to play on the soundtrack. We'll later hear it's a tune that George has been writing to play for Brenda.

We next see the budding lovebirds on Date Night, leaving a movie theatre together. What did they go to see? I'm not sure, because an unseen staff member is in the process of removing the title from the marquee as the scene begins. All that remains of the date movie's name is the letters KY. Hmmm... Should I read anything into that? Maybe it is an intentional lubricant reference, since there seems to be more subliminal messages planted in the scene by director Ron Howard. As George and Brenda walk down an alleyway running along the side of the theatre discussing the film they just watched, we see a series of movie posters on the wall next to them. The first poster we see is for "The Goodbye Girl" (1977), which would seem to reference Brenda's eventual departure to attend MIT in the fall. The last poster they pass (and George even bumps into it, before he stops and leans against the wall) is for "High Anxiety" (1977), mirroring George's nervousness about the date in progress (or perhaps his concern about how the band is doing). 

Brenda is criticizing the movie they watched for being unconvincing, pointing out how it's unrealistic for the main character to be such a loser then turn around and be a big success at the end. This seems to strike a nerve with George, who not only seems to have identified with the character in question, but also possibly feels like they could just as easily be talking about him. "It's kind of nice to be able to think that even if it's a long shot that a guy who isn't doing so hot can turn it around," he say to her (at the moment he bumps into the "High Anxiety" poster). "I mean... I don't know," he continues awkwardly. "What... Like our band," he adds, starting to sound a little more confident. "We're long shots. But what if we actually won that 'Battle of the Bands'? I'd like to think that stuff like that can happen. And I do. I do think that." They both smile hopefully and put their arms around each other as they continue down the alley to Brenda's car.

They pull up to George's house, and there's some more awkwardness as George wants to kiss her, but instead he's nervously chattering in a joking manner. Brenda puts a stop to it, taking the initiative and planting a wet one on his lips. Oh, romance.... They begin to tenderly make out, and the scene fades to the exterior of the parked car, the steamed windows obscuring any activity that may be happening inside. How long are the two of them at it, and how far do they take it? The movie never reveals (there's no Brenda-gets-pregnant plot line or anything like that later), but it is easy to assume that they went all the way together. Maybe I'm just projecting myself into the situation, because I would definitely give it up to George Smalley on the first date.

I would have thought the film would save the Battle of the Bands for the finale, but halfway through the movie we are already at the event. It's being held at the Town East Mall in Mesquite (on the edge of the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex), in a large open area in the center of the building (complete with a revolving stage). Cotton Candy are moments away from performing, and George does what he can to calm the tense band before they go on, as he struggles with his own mix of nervousness and excitement.

I complained last entry that a lot of the YouTube clips for "Cotton Candy" have been recently removed. The entire "Battle of the Bands" sequence used to be on there for all the world to enjoy, but is no longer. However, there is a piece of the scene: Cotton Candy performing the song "She Rolls" (which seems to be a fan favorite among the lucky few who have seen this rare cult classic). It is one of their better songs, with George apparently singing about that date night with Brenda. Possibly even about hooking up with her... or at least the pleasures of being horny (that lyric "When she holds me I start to quiver" tells me something orgasmic may have been involved). Check out the clip and see for yourself before it too is inevitably removed for copyright violation.

After the applause dies down, Cotton Candy launch into a second song (a repeat of one heard earlier during the band practice montage, "Not Gonna Hold Me Down"). The scene fades to the next group of performers going on as George and his group celebrate their success backstage. When the announcement is made naming the 4 bands selected to compete in the final round later that night, of course Cotton Candy is one of them. The bandmates cheer in delight as they hoist George up on their shoulders and pump their fists in the air! Woo hoo! 

Since rival band Rapid Fire won the Battle last year, they automatically skipped the preliminary round and were also included in the final four. Their arrival that night is a big circus of screaming girls as leader Torbin Bequette (Mark Wheeler), dressed like some 1970s version of a 1930s gangster, stands on a moving electric cart chased by his adoring fans. As he heads backstage with his entourage, Torbin steps up to Cotton Candy (who have just finished setting up for their next performance) and looks George right in the eye. "You turkeys made the finals?" he smirks. "I can't believe it, competition's really slim!" And off he strides with his gaggle of groupies. But George doesn't let that smarmy little douchebag rattle him. You show 'em who's best, Smalley!

I mentioned last entry how I didn't know the official names of the Cotton Candy songs performed in the film, since the end credits are missing from the bootleg copy I ended up getting my hands on (and there's no soundtrack album). Cotton Candy starts their set with a new song, which I am going to guess is called "Making My Music" (which is a sweet and sincere little ditty about the pleasures of musical creation). As with the other Cotton Candy tunes, I think it's fun and catchy, and CMS gives a charmingly energetic joyfulness to the presentation.

Some sample lyrics from "Making My Music": "I get high just making my music / I get fine behind a rock-and-roll band / And when I'm old and grey / I just want to sing and play-ay-ay yeah / Making my own music just as loud as I can." Sing it, Charlie!

The film fades to an instrumental jam session starting with an impressive bit of drum playing from Brenda followed by an intense little guitar solo from George. The audience eats it up and responds eagerly and loudly, much to the irritation of Torbin Bequette. I'm responding to the performance too, but a lot of that probably has to do with how hot I think CMS looks with guitar-in-hand. 

We get to hear one more fragment of a Cotton Candy song, admittedly the silliest one of the bunch (but not without it's charms). This one is called "Starship" (which, this being the post-"Star Wars" world of 1978, is probably a nod to the sci-fi trend taking over pop culture at the time). It's another entertaining feel-good hit with the audience... and I must admit I like it too, despite the absurd goofiness of the lyrics. Gosh, I sure wish there was an official soundtrack album out there. I wonder what the hot pic of Charlie adorning the cover would have been like if such a record existed? 

Unfortunately, Rapid Fire has already got an established fan base in attendance whose screaming adoration nearly drowns out their wretched cover version of "I Shot the Sheriff" (which seems to be the only song the band knows). George and his bandmates laugh at Rapid Fire's awfulness, but most of the people in attendance go crazy for it. So who wins the title? Is it popular choice Rapid Fire? Or is it the clearly more-talented Cotton Candy that gets the grand prize? I'm not sayin'. I've been bad enough about the spoilers as it is. You can look somewhere else for the answer, buddy.

There is one more scene in the film I want to mention before I  bring this entry to an end. It's really one of the highlights of the movie for me. Brenda visits George at his evening job working at a taco stand, and discovers he has a little surprise for her. He asks her to meet him out back behind the kitchen in a few minutes, then he shouts to his manager that he is going on break for a little bit.

George walks out the backdoor to find Brenda waiting for him. He steps towards her, his guitar in one hand, a boxed gift in the other. See, George worked it out and figured that today marked their two month anniversary (I'm not sure what he's using as the starting point, though). Brenda opens the present (a diamond pendant) and of course she loves it, but the best part is yet to come.

"I've got this song," he says to her. "It's just this little tune that I'm working on, and I've never really written anything like it before. Let me play it for you, OK?" And he sits her down by a stack of milk crates and begins to play a sweet little love song, one that I assume would be named "I'm the Kind of Guy Who Loves You" (or maybe just "I'm the Kind of Guy"). Of course, I am a huge sucker for this particular bit of music, which is one of two favorites I have in this film.

This video here is admittedly not a good-quality presentation of the song in question (I'm generally not a fan of those "point your cam at the TV" clips), but it's one of the last remaining "Cotton Candy"   scenes left on YouTube, and at least it will give you some idea of what it sounds like. I really think Charles sounds fantastic here, his vocal delivery seeming to display a touch of Buddy Holly influence that must have rubbed off from that previous stint playing in "The Buddy Holly Story" (1978). And you know what? Every time I hear CMS sing this, I  start to cry. Every single time.

When he's finished, George looks pretty happy with his heartfelt display of the true feelings he has for Brenda. And if I were in her shoes, I'd just throw my arms around him and be grateful to have found the greatest guy on earth at such a tender young age. Being such a huge fan of CMS, and having my own feelings of admiration and attraction to the guy, the chance to see him play such a wonderfully romantic scene really appeals to me. And I gotta say: this sequence here ranks among my all-time favorite CMS moments I have had the pleasure of watching since I started this whole immersion in Mr. Smith's filmography.

So... what is Brenda's response to George's sincere showing of songmanship? Like a few other things in this movie, the plot doesn't go the predictable route and unfold the way you'd expect it to. There's still way more sexy CMS moments ahead, many more compelling moments of humor and drama, and there's even another great Cotton Candy tune ("Born Rich", which would be my other favorite song in the movie besides "I'm the Kind of Guy"). In any case, I've opted to refrain from spoiling the last chunk of the storyline. If you go through all the effort to obtain a copy, you deserve an unspoiled ending. Right now, options for seeing the movie are sadly limited. It's possible you'll track down a bootleg copy like I ended up doing, or perhaps you'll find a used copy of the novelization to read and savor ("8 pages of photos!" Woo hoo!). Who knows? This particularly rare piece of '70s TV may finally find it's way into general release on disc or download (ideally, with a behind the scenes documentary and audio commentary with the Howard brothers, CMS and Leslie King). Maybe one day... and then the whole world can enjoy the wonderfulness that is "Cotton Candy" in all it's splendor. In the hopeful words of George Smalley himself: "I'd like to think that stuff like that can happen. And I do. I do think that."

I'll leave you with one final clip: an absolutely incredible tribute to "Cotton Candy" created by an extremely creative super-fan of the film. It's a song composed ENTIRELY of dialogue taken directly from the movie, strung together in an amazing arrangement of awesomeness! Bravo, buddy! Very nice work! Take a look and prepare to be entertained.

REALLY ZOOED OUT: "Cotton Candy" (1978)

Wow! This entry's film, "Cotton Candy" (1978), is a real hidden treasure: pure CMS gold! Never released on home video in any format, and aired only a handful of times on television, this seriously neglected film lives on in faded digital transfers from old VHS copies taped off TV. Lucky for us, since otherwise we might not have knowledge today of the awesomeness that is this film. Despite it's rarity, a small cult following has managed to build up around it. Maybe one day someone will see fit to give it a proper official release... One can hope. This energetic, entertaining, and exciting endeavor definitely deserves a fervently fanatical following!

24 year old Charles was cast in the film as an 18 year old high school senior. Thanks to his boyish good looks, shorter stature and youthful exuberance he manages to more-or-less pull it off convincingly (certainly more convincingly than some of his over-age co-stars). Previous CMS co-star Ron Howard, in his 2nd directorial feature after "Grand Theft Auto" (1977), worked from a script co-written with brother Clint Howard (who also appears in the film). Originally aired on NBC on October 26th, 1978, the copy I got my hands on was taken from a videotape of a 1981 rerun (several of the fun-to-remember commercials the original videotaper left in were copyright dated '81). Here we see the first time Charles Martin Smith was finally cast as the main character in a film. Up 'til this point, every one of his roles had either been a supporting one, or was part of an ensemble (such as "American Graffiti" (1973) or "The Spikes Gang" (1974) ). But here, we get an incredibly adorable and sexy CMS in practically every scene of the film! It's totally his movie! Fuck yeah!  

We are first introduced to CMS's character, George Smalley, struggling to fit in with the rest of the varsity football team at Lake Highlands High School. While the other guys are smacking each other's asses and chasing each other around the locker room in their tight little shorts having touchy-feely towel fights, George seems kind-of stuck on the sidelines. He does seem to give off a vibe of not-belonging... and appears a little uncomfortable with being left out of the main action. As he changes his clothes after a shower (which we don't get to see, sadly), two beefy players wrapped in towels on the bench next to him have a conversation about their more-exciting lives. "He wants me to go both ways," one of them confides to the other. Before we can hear any more of their potentially provocative discussion, an announcement comes over the locker room speakers: "George Smalley, report to the head coach's office immediately."

As George nervously walks through the locker room to the office, other players pointing and whispering as he passes them, we are presented with a flashback to junior year. George is trying to relax in his living room, looking at his vinyl collection while his mom flips through the school yearbook. She starts hassling him: where are his extracurricular activities (of which he has had none)? She then starts pushing him to be more active in his senior year, the year that really counts. Aw, mom. Why do you have to be such a nag? We then see him making the impulsive decision to join the football team, buying expensive cleats and ignoring his dad's objections. "But dad, think of what people are gonna say when I get a varsity letter," George responds. "What an outrageous way to finish high school!"

We then see a quick montage of Smalley busting his butt on the football field, doing endless jumping jacks and running up and down the bleachers (and looking really cute doing it... but doing it too fast to get a good screen cap, of course). Awww, this guy's been working so hard to be a part of the team. But as we see when the flashback ends and we come back to the present in the office, Coach Grimes feels it's too little too late. "If you were a junior..." the coach starts to say. "But I'm not," George interrupts. "I'm a senior!"

When the coach offers him a position helping in the equipment room instead of a place on the varsity team, George takes offense, refusing a lowly role handing out towels. So Grimes flat-out kicks him off and orders him to turn in his uniform and gear. No one on the team seems like they're going to miss him either. As he clears out his locker, other players point and comment. "Smalley's history," one of them laughs. Aww, poor George Smalley. He looks so crushed, so unappreciated... 

At least George isn't facing his problems alone. His best friend Corky MacPherson (Clint Howard) is always willing to lend a sympathetic ear. George blows off the football game that night, but Corky insists they go to the dance so they can meet some chicks. "I wish I could get a girl," George says, though he admits it's only to get his mother off his case, because she thinks her son's "a homo or a wallflower". Well, moms usually figures these things out early, they have a sense for these things... Meanwhile, the dance is absurdly crowded, urging George to make the following observation: "Jeez, what a zoo. This place is really zooed out." Haha, brilliant! This here is one of the many charms of the movie: it's ridiculously dated (and endlessly quotable) teen lingo dialogue. I'd also like to point out how cute CMS's butt looks in his snug bluejeans, but the shoddy picture quality prevents us from getting a really good look. What a drag...

Performing on stage at the school dance is Rapid Fire, a laughably horrible and inexplicably popular rock band led by egotistical douchebag Torbin Bequette (Mark Wheeler). The band presents a mangled cover of "I Shot the Sheriff" to the adoring teen audience (well received especially by the girls, who are extra-worked up by Torbin's overblown antics), but George smartly sees through their lack of talent. Corky, hearing that one of their guitar players quit, urges him to ask Torbin if he can become his replacement. During an intermission ("Rapid Fire's just gotta reload a little!"), George approaches him and asks for a chance to try out for a place in the band. Of course Torbin responds with a shitty attitude, shooting him down and humiliating him to the amusement of his bandmates and giggling groupie girls. But George is gonna show him! He hatches a plan to get his own band together, one that will knock everyone's socks off with their rockin' skills. Maybe then they could beat Rapid Fire in the upcoming Battle of the Bands competition at the local mall! Corky seems even more excited about the idea than George does, as he literally squeals with delight at the thought of the future band's future awesomeness.

Corky runs an ad in the school paper looking for potential bandmates. He also writes up an announcement he has made over the school PA: "Get down, get down: rock on, brothers! Experienced musicians, turn yourself on. Join Smalley's hot new rock band. Call real soon or be a baboon!" George isn't too keen on the choice of words used, but Corky contends that it sounds great. "The baboon is key!" he insists. Later, when George brings home a $300 electric guitar from the pawn shop, his parents are pretty vocal about their disapproval. Mom gripes that he had a perfectly good guitar already (an acoustic one), and dad rubs his face in the expensive cleats he doesn't use anymore. Neither one of them thinks George will be able to form and maintain a rock band. Thanks for the encouragement... The phone rings, mom answers it. "Somebody named 'Julio' with something about a 'jam session',"she tells George, sounding more than a little confused. He turns to her defiantly: "I'm telling you, mom! This band's gonna come together!"

Jam session, indeed! George arranges to have interested musicians show up at his place: along with Julio (fellow "American Graffiti" cast member Manuel Padilla Jr), brothers Barry (Kevin Lee Miller) and Bart (Dino Scofield) arrive with instruments and amps in hand. There's also a red VW Beetle that pulls up in front of George's house. "Is this where the new band's getting together?" asks the cute brunette girl who leans out the car window. "A chick for a drummer?" Corky wonders aloud, and the others share his initial skepticism. "Hey, she's a fox," Julio observes. "But can she cut it, man?"

The "fox", whose name is Brenda (Leslie King), just calmly sits herself behind her drum set and starts into a slick little percussive solo. Hey, she sounds great! The others hop on their instruments and start playing a funky little improvised tune, sounding like they've been jamming together much longer than the 15 minutes they've known each other. Wow, Charles looks so hot standing there, instrument in hand. Don't you think? Corky, who's been chosen by George to be the band's manager, smiles and nods his head approvingly as the jam-out continues. Unfortunately,  the crabby old lady next door passive-aggressively turns her backyard sprinklers on, dousing the band and bringing the sweet music to a stop.

Dripping wet, George goes inside and tries pleading with his mom to talk to their senile senior neighbor next door, but once again there is no sympathy or understanding. Jeez, his parents are so discouraging and unsupportive that it's no wonder George feels like a bit of a loser who's less-than-a-success at anything. Now the band has nowhere to practice and George is beyond frustrated. "Rinky dink!" he loudly grumbles, and storms out the door to the backyard.

The others are sitting on the grass, their moods apparently not dampened by the abrupt ending of their practice. George seems ready to call it quits as he walks over to the others, but I'm distracted by the snug shirt and jeans he's wearing, which seem to cling to his sexy body even more since they're still wet from being sprayed with sprinkler water. Oh gosh, there I go again...

Instead of calling off the meeting, Corky suggests they spend some time getting to know each other better instead. After some initial nervousness, they open up to each other: Brenda's got a scholarship to go to MIT, but needs a break from studying all the time and worrying about grades. Julio used to be in a gang but he quit when they started getting too "radical" for him. George admits to being kicked off the football team. Corky thinks that they should take their cue from the new wave trend catching on and should call the band "Hot Rash" but no one else likes that particular idea (they later settle on Cotton Candy with no explanation why the name was chosen). Such a sweet and sunny afternoon of smiles and sharing over chilled cans of cola...

"I really think we've got a shot," George tells them as their meeting wraps up. "The Battle of the Bands... see, if we could ace that thing, can you imagine how outrageous that would be? I don't know...  It would just be so great if this was the one thing that finally works out..." Awwww, how could you not root for this frustrated fella?

Corky comes through for the band and finds them a better practice space in his boss's garage at night after close. Woo hoo! So now it's time for their first real band practice. After a little fumbling with the arrangement, we are then treated to the first original song in the film. It is here that Charles Martin Smith was able to take his musical genius one step further than he did in the previous entry's film ("The Buddy Holly Story") and not only sing the lead in the songs but also actually write the music himself too. Well... not technically all by himself, but in collaboration with Joe Renzetti (who also worked compositionally on the aforementioned Buddy Holly bio-pic's soundtrack). How much is Charles and how much is Joe? Who knows? But I must admit, whoever is responsible, I am a sucker for the sweet sonic confections they whip up. Cotton Candy, indeed...

Since the copy I have of this movie is missing it's end credits (and there is sadly no soundtrack album), I don't know what the official names of the "Cotton Candy" songs are. I'm going to assume this first one is called "Not Gonna Hold Me Down" (or is it "Not Gonna Hold Us Down"?). Here's some sample lyrics: "Well if you say I'm crazy and it might be so / But there's a feeling in me and it won't let go / Woah-oh / Not gonna hold me down / Well you can play to win and you can play it cool / But if you play it safe you only play the fool / Woah-oh / Not gonna hold me down."  Corny and cliché? Maybe a little, but Charles also has a pleasantly warm singing voice, and he gets a lot of milage out of his enthusiastic and sincere delivery.

The song continues playing over a montage of merry moments the band share together over the next few days. Among the scenes we see is a group visit to the school carnival, where they come across a water-dunk tank with Coach Grimes sitting in the dunk seat. To the amusement and cheers of his fellow bandmates, George hits the bulls-eye target with the ball he's given and drops the coach (who had previously treated him so harshly) into the water tank. Right on, Smalley!

There's also a moment that underlines where George and his Cotton Candy posse's place is in the senior social stratum at school. As they walk down the hallway together, they are approached by another cluster of students: the members of Rapid Fire. The two groups approach each other... Will George stay strong and face them down? At the last minute, he and his bandmates step aside and let Torbin and his clique shove by them. Awww, I guess they aren't ready to stand up to "the bad guys" yet. Meanwhile, "Not Gonna Hold Me Down" is still playing over the scene and another of the lyrics strikes a chord with me: "And if you say you love me / Well now that's alright / Put your arms around me / And we'll rock all night." Hearing that, you can easily imagine what lyrics like that do to a guy like me (who adores a guy like him).

The montage ends and the film cuts back to a dark and stormy night at the practice space. With a loud clap of thunder, the power goes out, cutting their rehearsal session short. But instead of going home and calling it a night, Brenda suggests they play a round of poker (which we saw them do together before in that montage we just got through). Even though she beat their asses the last times they played, the other guys seem to like the idea. But this time, they want to raise the stakes and make it strip poker. Woah, wait a second... strip poker? With Charles Martin Smith! Hell, yeah! George doesn't seem interested in the proposed activity, but Brenda takes the challenge and pushes to play. Someone hangs a cluster of flashlights over a table, someone else busts out a deck of cards, and everyone pulls up a chair. Alright! Here we go, people!

You see, George has been crushing on Brenda since the moment she showed up at his house for that first practice session. He doesn't want to seem to her like he's no fun, but he doesn't want Brenda being oggled by the other boys either. The rest of the band is eager to get their clothes off, Julio being the first to lose his shirt, the other boys following suit with various articles of clothing. It's not long before George has to take off his t-shirt, something he hesitates to do. That is, until Brenda urges him on with a flirtatious laugh. That's all the encouragement George needs, and he takes his top off with a dramatic flourish. Yow! 

But over the course of several hands, Brenda also begins losing some of her clothes too, which excites the other guys (who all leer at her increasingly exposed body) while making George very, very uncomfortable. Now she's taking off her pants. That leaves only her flimsy blouse barely covering her bra and panties. The other guys shift in their seats, in a shared state of erect awkwardness, while waves of jealousy wash over George.

When the power comes back on, George seizes on the opportunity to strongly suggest for the game to be dropped and the band practice to resume. Of course all the guys complain and Brenda doesn't want to look afraid, so the game continues. As the cards are dealt, George keeps ending up with solid hands. He discards one good pair only to draw another strong pair right after that. Darn... and as they all reveal their cards, it becomes obvious that Brenda's is the weakest at the table.

Knowing she lost fair and square, and not wanting to look like a chicken or a spoilsport to the rest of the band, Brenda goes ahead and begins to unbutton her blouse. As her top opens and the promise of her partially exposed breasts threatens to become a reality, the guys all stare in intense silence. Even George can't help but gaze upon her,  but he also can't help but lose his cool either.

He suddenly jumps to his feet and grabs Brenda's sweater from the nearby pile of discarded clothes, tossing it onto her in a desperately insistent attempt to cover up her body, and he begins shouting. "This it totally ludicrous! We got a good group here, we got a good thing going, and I am not gonna let you guys louse not up! Forget the game! It's over!" Everyone else at the table protests at the perceived unfairness, and even Brenda defends the fact that she lost the last hand and had to face the consequences. But George doesn't care what any of them say. It's his group and he's putting his foot down. That's that: game over. Then something happens... something so amazing, so incredibly sexy in that rock-god sort of way. George, still shirtless, strolls over to his guitar, and then...

Ohmygod! Did you see that? Did you?? One of the sexiest sights I have ever witnessed: Charles Martin Smith, shirtless, strapping on his electric guitar, confidently wrapping his hands around his instrument, ready to play! I feel overwhelmed, overcome.... oh, Charles... "Put your arms around me, and we'll rock all night," as you so eloquently put it! Uh huh!

We're just about 1/3 of the way through "Cotton Candy", but I have to stop and take a breather. That was nearly too much for me to take, and I think I need to lie down for a while. So my review of this surprisingly sexy slice of '70s small-screen cinema will be continued in the next entry. I hope you've enjoyed what's come so far as much as I have. See you next entry with more rock-star CMS!